I myself am a victim of Institutional Rape. When I was 14 years old, I was committed to the California Youth Authority, where I had been repeatedly Raped by three other inmates.

Out of FEAR, SHAME, and DISGUST, I could not tell anybody what had happened to me. In my mind I had saw the attack on me as a Gay-Attack....I had told myself that I could not be a Man, a Husband or even a Father....I was a Failure because of what I had let happen to me by the [gays]....I became very anti-social.

[The writer describes his first queer-bashing.] I left him laying in a pool of blood. I knew what I had done was wrong, but yet at the same time I felt good about myself. I could not understand the mixed feelings that I had. I only knew that it made me feel worth while in hurting him. From that point on, I had sought out gays in order to assault and rob them.

[The writer describes his relentless but shallow pursuit of women, his marriage, his enlisting in the Marine Corps, all in an attempt to become "A REAL MAN". He became an alcoholic. One night he was too drunk to get erect and the woman he was with, Ruth Pitts, asked:] What have you turned GAY....the next thing that I remember [she was a corpse.]

I meet this Homosexual [David King] who invites me to his house, and after having sex with him, he says now it is his turn, I crab him by the neck and start chocking him....I confess to both murders.

Upon getting off of Death Row, I was placed in the Mental Health Ward of the Penitentiary's Hospital. After many months of Counseling, and very concerned Mental Health Personal, they notice a pattern in my Criminal History, and one of the Counselors addresses the issue of Juvenile Rape, and P.T.S.D. I was able to admit as to what had happened to me. And at that point it was like a great weight was lifted off of me.

I feel remorse over what I have done in my life, and all of the pain and suffering that I have caused others, and more so for seeking out the Gay Community and hurting them. They were not the ones who had hurt me, and for that I am sorry for what I have done to them.

If there is any way that I can bring to attention the Abuse that goes on to this day in the Juvenile Institutions throughout the United States, and train the staff to look for signs, maybe then a Child will not see what I have seen....If I can help one Child from seeing what I have, then my Life will not be a total waist.

The Abuse and Rapes continue to happen, and if nothing is done how many more MICHAEL ROBTOY'S will end up on Death Row. We have to address the issue of what is happening in the Juvenile Penal Institutions.

-Michael Robtoy, McNeil Island, Washington.