Survivor Stories

Feb. 2001:

The following is my story:
Agony, frustration and confusion is the reason for this story. In sharing this story, I hope you will know there is another person who feels, understand and can identify as yourself.

As a black man, primarily reared by women (grandmother and mother) a house full of girls (five sisters) I enjoyed my life and have no one to blame for my behavior. I have never been in prison and pray God I never will. I was in jail for about 8 hours for a non-payment of a traffic ticket. The horror stories I have heard, the hard faces I looked into and the non-chalant attitudes made it a frightening moment in jail.

The shame, humiliation, and degradation that filled me is unreal, as I read the stories, "A Black Punk and Memories of Rape". Who can I tell my story or experience to as a BLACK man? I have been raped a number of times (anally and orally) and I was not in jail.

As I read the stories of a Black Punk and Memories of Rape, I caught a glimpse of how slaves must to have felt; being beat, humiliated and inflicted with behavior tabooed by society and violating convictions I held and unable to share with my church. Trust, Respect are factors lacking for me to tell anyone.

I wish I had another BLACK man whom I could tell this experience to without wondering if he will violate my trust and share it with others. I wonder, if I tell him, would he have the same respect for me after hearing my agonizing experience.

What is truly sad about the whole ironic experience is, sometime, I wanted to be with a man, but was afraid. I do not consider myself gay or bi-sexual. When a man does come to me, I am afraid and most often refuse, before I am forced by threats and physical intimidation and bodily harm to give in. Questions, questions, questions fill my mind and I wonder what has happened to me, how can I tell anyone, is there any help available for me?

Please do not misunderstand me, I am not gay. I am divorced. However, what has happened to me has caused me never to want a relationship again. I hated not being able to confide in my wife and I hated her for not being understanding. Basically, I am a loner and quite. I work every day and and interact with personnel, as soon as work is over, I come home and stay to myself. My experience with women and men has help facilitate me in being a loner.

I am not a violent person nor am I contemplating any form of violence. I am just wondering, "why me?" Why did I have to be punk? Why can't I find someone to trust and share this with? Where is the respect for all humanity? I wish I actually could find another black man whom I could speak with and trust. It is hard...WOW, it is hard....I want to be a real man and the best man I can be.....I want to be a role model to other men..... I feel like I am a slave and no one cares. I would like to hear your story or know your there if I need you.

Please email me at: amanofcolor@aol.com