I'm a 28 yr. old black male.
I first came to prison at the age of 19 yrs. old. I was place in a max joint.
Now at that time i wgt. maybe 128 pd. soak and wet. Well anyway i was given four
ears for breaking itno someone house. I was place in the max. joint and put in a
cell with another young kid he was white....Other prisoners...would bug me
everyday for sex which i refuse to do with them. About a month after being in
the joint i came back to my cell after working....I walk in my cell and it was
full with black guys and my cellie was on his knees sucking them off. I should
of got the fuck out of there but i didn't. The next thing i knew i was hit in
the face by someone when i turn to run i was grab by the back and they started
beatting the crap out of me. Then i was told to strip which i did and they threw
me on the bed and someone got on top of me and ram his dick in me i scream from
the pain of it what a fucken mistake i ended up getting my face pound in for it.
Then each one of them took turns fucking me. They kept beatting the crap out of
me at the same time Hell i wasn't even screaming and they hit me. Well then
someone ram him dick in my mouth and i choke on it but they didn't care. I had
to suck him off and one by one they either fuck me in the ass or ram there cock
down my throat or both. Than one of them decide to piss in my mouth and told me
i better drink it or else so i did. Then more guys kept coming in and out my
cell doing the same shit. I lost count of who was doing what. Then when i
thought it was over they started in on my cellie beatting the crap out of him
too. I kept getting kick in the face and punch for no fucken reason....Then i
pass out and when i came to they was gone.I couldn't moe but i was on the floor
in my cell next to my cellie. He was crying...We just ball up together holding
each other. I wasn't sure if it was i couldn't move or i was to scare to move
but i stay like that til the officer's did count....I told him we need to go to
the hospital he said what the fuck you say faggot I told him again and i said we
was rape. He started laughing saying yea right. Hell there was blood all over us
and t he cell but this cop thinks i'm lieing. I told him to call the Lt. but he
wouldn't....Than when i woke up i had a [male] nurse over me calling my name. I
got scare and jump back and start screaming Don't touch me please don't hurt me
no more....Than i talk to the warden he act like i was lieing for he kept asking
me who did it. I said i don't know...So he order them to take me to the hole. I
stay in the hole for two weeks. [then was sent] back in the hospital.....The
officer's kept laughing saying come on tell us the truth you wanted it you
didn't get rape. I couldn't take it so i just kept quiet and tried to block them
out. Than the next day this female cpt. came to see me. She never ask me what
happen she just sat there next to me saying she understood. I started crying and
she held my hand and i told her no one will believe me that they all believe i
wanted it. I said ask my cellie he would tell you what happen. Thats when i
foudn out my cellie was dead he kill his self over it.....I keep feeling if only
i gave t hem what they wanted in the first place this would never happen.
I still cry so much over it
and wish i could die.
I meet guys all the time now
whos been rape and its unreal. The storys may be defference but one thing all of
us has and thats the kowledge that we didn't ask to be rape....I still perform
sexual acts but not cause i want to or i enjoyu it I do it out of fear of being
gang rape again... Se xuse to be a pleasure now its a way to survive for me.
Before i came to prison i always felt only females get rape boy was i wrong. Now
i know the pain they go through. It's more mental and emotional than anything
else. I feel the only reason the courts and outside world doesn't want to get
involve is cause no one wants to hear the truth. Everyone turns therre head and
clsose there ear until it happens to them.
I have forgiven them it's
forgiving myself I can't seem to do. A man lost his life at the hands of some
sick people who wanted to get there rocks off and show they're bigger than he
was....How i almost took my life over it. Many people say they would have to
kill me before i ever get fuck. Thats a lie they only say it cause they've never
I know deep down the rape
wasn't my fault but knowing it and really feeling it is two different things. I
fight everyday the pain i feel inside and the things i go through. What bothers
me most is i fine myself shaking all over at times and i cry a lot when i think
of the rape.
I have not been rape since
then. Well not in a painful way anyway. The only reason why is cause when a
black comes at me with it i get to scare to say no and just do what he wants to
get it over with. I've tried to say no one time to these guys but they just
laugh at me....So i got scare and just did it i didn't want to go through what i
went through before....then i end up feeling dirty and guilty afterwards.