I'm a 28 yr. old black male. I first came to prison at the age of 19 yrs. old. I was place in a max joint. Now at that time i wgt. maybe 128 pd. soak and wet. Well anyway i was given four ears for breaking itno someone house. I was place in the max. joint and put in a cell with another young kid he was white....Other prisoners...would bug me everyday for sex which i refuse to do with them. About a month after being in the joint i came back to my cell after working....I walk in my cell and it was full with black guys and my cellie was on his knees sucking them off. I should of got the fuck out of there but i didn't. The next thing i knew i was hit in the face by someone when i turn to run i was grab by the back and they started beatting the crap out of me. Then i was told to strip which i did and they threw me on the bed and someone got on top of me and ram his dick in me i scream from the pain of it what a fucken mistake i ended up getting my face pound in for it. Then each one of them took turns fucking me. They kept beatting the crap out of me at the same time Hell i wasn't even screaming and they hit me. Well then someone ram him dick in my mouth and i choke on it but they didn't care. I had to suck him off and one by one they either fuck me in the ass or ram there cock down my throat or both. Than one of them decide to piss in my mouth and told me i better drink it or else so i did. Then more guys kept coming in and out my cell doing the same shit. I lost count of who was doing what. Then when i thought it was over they started in on my cellie beatting the crap out of him too. I kept getting kick in the face and punch for no fucken reason....Then i pass out and when i came to they was gone.I couldn't moe but i was on the floor in my cell next to my cellie. He was crying...We just ball up together holding each other. I wasn't sure if it was i couldn't move or i was to scare to move but i stay like that til the officer's did count....I told him we need to go to the hospital he said what the fuck you say faggot I told him again and i said we was rape. He started laughing saying yea right. Hell there was blood all over us and t he cell but this cop thinks i'm lieing. I told him to call the Lt. but he wouldn't....Than when i woke up i had a [male] nurse over me calling my name. I got scare and jump back and start screaming Don't touch me please don't hurt me no more....Than i talk to the warden he act like i was lieing for he kept asking me who did it. I said i don't know...So he order them to take me to the hole. I stay in the hole for two weeks. [then was sent] back in the hospital.....The officer's kept laughing saying come on tell us the truth you wanted it you didn't get rape. I couldn't take it so i just kept quiet and tried to block them out. Than the next day this female cpt. came to see me. She never ask me what happen she just sat there next to me saying she understood. I started crying and she held my hand and i told her no one will believe me that they all believe i wanted it. I said ask my cellie he would tell you what happen. Thats when i foudn out my cellie was dead he kill his self over it.....I keep feeling if only i gave t hem what they wanted in the first place this would never happen.

I still cry so much over it and wish i could die.

I meet guys all the time now whos been rape and its unreal. The storys may be defference but one thing all of us has and thats the kowledge that we didn't ask to be rape....I still perform sexual acts but not cause i want to or i enjoyu it I do it out of fear of being gang rape again... Se xuse to be a pleasure now its a way to survive for me. Before i came to prison i always felt only females get rape boy was i wrong. Now i know the pain they go through. It's more mental and emotional than anything else. I feel the only reason the courts and outside world doesn't want to get involve is cause no one wants to hear the truth. Everyone turns therre head and clsose there ear until it happens to them.

I have forgiven them it's forgiving myself I can't seem to do. A man lost his life at the hands of some sick people who wanted to get there rocks off and show they're bigger than he was....How i almost took my life over it. Many people say they would have to kill me before i ever get fuck. Thats a lie they only say it cause they've never been there.

I know deep down the rape wasn't my fault but knowing it and really feeling it is two different things. I fight everyday the pain i feel inside and the things i go through. What bothers me most is i fine myself shaking all over at times and i cry a lot when i think of the rape.

I have not been rape since then. Well not in a painful way anyway. The only reason why is cause when a black comes at me with it i get to scare to say no and just do what he wants to get it over with. I've tried to say no one time to these guys but they just laugh at me....So i got scare and just did it i didn't want to go through what i went through before....then i end up feeling dirty and guilty afterwards.

-Lorne E.Williams, Menard, Illinois