Having read the literature
sent to me I can help some of the first timers to prepare for their stay within
prison. I know that I can't do it all myself, but they say the first step is the
easiest way to get to the end of a long road.
When I first came to prison
[at 16] I tried to stay to myself and do my own time. I held other inmates in
check for a while, but the perrsure started to build up. I was at Cummins
Unit...and another inmate came in my cell and demanded that I service him
sexually. I told him I just wanted to be left alone. He kept on demanding that I
service him and he hit me and called me a "Bitch". He pulled out a razor and
when I saw it I pushed him against the wall. He drop the razor...I ended up
cutting his throat and jaw....For the first 2½ to 3 years I had to fight to keep
from being "turned out."
I got tired of fighting all
the time. I started to look for a partner to "hook up" with. Someone to look out
after me. A "Man" as well as a friend. Someone to talk to. I did not know the
first thing about being a "Boy"....After about a year we are still hooked up.
You were right about when
you said that over time that you start to develop feels for the person you are
hooked up with. I did. I am only 20 years old.
The administration within
the Arkansas Department of Corrections does alot to also add to the perrsure.
For example, if a...first timer does something that "Rocks the Boat" against the
administration they will put him in a barracks or block that is for trouble
makers. He is almost certain to be rape or is made to hook up with someone that
he know nothing about. And the only way he can go to P.C. (Protective Custody)
is if he is raped or beat up real bad.
Rapes happen about one two
per week in each prison within Arkansas. Those...are only the ones reported to
the administration. There are many more rapes that they never hear about because
the victims are threaten to keep the mouths closed.
Your handout on hooking up
[protective pairing] is very good. It is very informative.....If I would have
read it before I got my time it would have made my time easier.
When I first came to the
[juvenile] penitentiary I had at least one fight a day. When a confrontation
would come my way it would scare me half to death. I felt like a cat trapped in
a corner...I would fight to cover my fear up....I could not show the inmates any
other parts of myself. I was finally transferred to an adult prison I told
myself that I was not going to fight no more. [After the cut throat incident]
they locked me up in Administrative Segregation in a two man cell with a dude a
hell of alot bigger than me....The next thing I know he was rubbing my arms and
back. I was uncomfortable with this but was afraid to say anything. Needless to
say, with grease he fucked my ass. It hurt real bad.
On the streets I only mess
with girls....I learned that it is easeir to adapt to the role as a punk instead
of fight it. My `life' is a hell of alot easier now. When I first started out as
a punk I had mixed feeling. I was angry at myself for becoming a punk when I
fought so hard not to become one. Gradually as time when on I became more able
to cope with these feelings. I was able to start ignoring what people said.
I would like to write
inmates in other prisons that have been through the same experiences and that
have adapted to prison life as punks....I realize some of them have no one to
write to that can understand them and won't put them down for being punks.
When the inmates here
sending request to the chaplain or the "shrink" we never get an answer
back....Being a punk means I can show my feelings. I don't have to hide them. I
do care for people....At one point I had a boy and I "played the man role." But
anyway that's the past. Sometimes I sit back and think to myself "I am a man and
I am letting another man put his dick in my ass." But the closeness, intimacy
and the touch are things to be tressured in prison.